High conflict child custody cases are defined as cases where one or both of the parents involved in the conflict cannot or will not let go of their “marital” relationship. The conflict disrupts the adjustment of the family after the breakup. Frequent intervention by the court system is necessary to protect the children. One or both of the parents experiences an adrenaline “rush” from the ongoing conflict so they attempt to maintain the conflict to avoid experiencing the deep loneliness, pain and fear that result when the relationship ends. The energy from the conflict keeps the person from being able to focus on the loneliness and fear of being alone.

Why can’t the high conflict couple stop fighting?

Let’s look at the two different definitions for cooperative coparenting relationships and the conflictual coparenting relationships we have just defined above. Cooperative coparenting occurs when 1) both of the parents believe that the other parent has the best interests of the children at heart as their primary focus. 2) Both parents believe that the other parent’s parenting style and opinions, though different from their own, are valuable, appropriate and worthy of respect. 3) Both parents are able and willing to agree on child sharing issues together, even if it takes them numerous discussions to reach a decision they can both support. 4) Both parents know when they reach an agreement, they will completely and respectfully support the decisions they have made together or both will allow the parent who is implementing the decision to move forward without interference. 5) Both parents know they will work together to implement their agreement, without badmouthing or undermining each other. 6) Both parents are able to put the children's needs above their own.

Congratulations if this description of cooperative coparenting defines you and your EX. You are probably able to “cooperatively” coparent your children with your EX after your breakup.

However, if the Coparenting definition doesn’t sound like you and your EX then you probably will find that you more closely fit the conflictual coparenting definition instead. The Conflictual coparenting criteria is described as, 1) at least one or both of the parents do not believe that the other parent has the best interests of the children at heart as their primary focus. 2) At least one or both of the parents believe that the other parent has fundamental character flaws or parental deficiencies that they cannot or will not change. 3) One or both of the parents believe that the other parent is unable and/or unwilling to reach child sharing agreements, no matter how many discussions or debates they have about the issues and the parent need the court's intervention to resolve these issues. 4) One or both of the parents disrespects and denigrate the other parent. 5) After the courts make orders, one or both of the parents cannot or will not follow the order. 6) One or both of the parents cannot work with the other parent because the one of the parents actively sabotages the decisions 6) One or both of the parents continues to blame, badmouth and undermine the other parent, often badmouthing the professionals who are ordered to assist the children and the parents.

Once you recognize that the basic beliefs you and your EX hold about each other are not in alignment, you can start to accept that you may not be able to cooperatively coparent with each other. Review the criteria for both coparenting styles. If you and your EX have been continually fighting and cannot seem to “cooperatively” coparent together, it is imperative that you learn to parallel parent instead. Read part 1 and 2 of the article called Mom's World-Dad's World or understanding parallel parenting.