Part 1-Mom's World-Dad's World or Understanding Parallel Parenting Defined

Parallel parenting is defined as a style of coparenting which allows parents to reduce their
communication with each other regarding the children. It gives each parent control over his or her own parenting time. You do not consult your EX about your daily routines, rules, or decisions regarding the children. Minor decisions about the children are made on your own, without interacting or seeking approval from the other parent. All major decisions will probably require communication and agreement between both of you. You may need professional intervention to resolve these issues if you are in high conflict.

Parallel parenting works for parents who have a history of, or potential for conflict over their children’s issues. This style of parenting reduces communication between the parents so they have a chance to develop their own rules in their own world without constantly being disrupted by the EX’s disapproval or interference. Each parent creates their own regular and stable routines for their children when they are in their own home. The children benefit because the parents quit trying to reach agreements with the other parent. Conflictual parents never agree and parents in conflict waste emotional energy trying to reach child sharing agreements.

In “Mom’s World-Dad’s World” each parent decides their own rules for school work, bedtime, homework and chores. Both parent’s rules may be different. The children adjust to these changes just like they adjust to having several teachers in school who have different rules for academics and for behavior. For example: a mother tells her child to brush their teeth. The child says, “Daddy doesn’t make me brush my teeth before bedtime." Mommy replies, “That’s in Daddy’s World. When you are in my world, you need to brush your teeth before bedtime."

The child may try to manipulate the mom by trying to get her to stop enforcing her rules. The mother needs to let go of the child not brushing their teeth at Dad’s. Instead, she needs to design a plan to positively reinforce the child when they do brush their teeth in her world and when they report having brushed their teeth at Dad’s. This takes the children out of the middle of the parent's fight. It reduces the conflict. The child learn how to brush their teeth on their own without a reminder, because they are rewarded both and Mom's house and Dad's house without having to have a battle with Dad.

Another example in Mom's World-Dad's World is when a father tells his child to get their homework done before dinner. The child replies, “Mommy doesn’t make me do my homework before dinner.” Daddy then replies, “That’s Mommy’s World. While you are in my home, you need to do your homework before dinner. When you are with me, you need to do homework according to my rules.”

Dad has to let go of the child not doing their homework at Mom’s home. Efforts to get the mother to support homework completion with threats, nicely asking, sending friendly reminders or asking for court intervention usually always fail but it keeps the child in the middle and the conflict going. Mom may be disorganized or unwilling to support the children at school.

Instead, the father should make contact with the teacher and begin to design a campaign between himself, the child and the teacher that supports the child’s success in school and with homework. The father may consider picking up a second set of assignments for his home, establishing positive rewards for the child to earn during school with the teacher during Mother’s week with the child, or establishing communication with the teacher during the Mother's week that helps the child remember to do the homework during the Mother’s week without ever needing the mother to support him.

Part 3 When, why, whether to tell your children negative information about their other parent

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  You may need to practice how to tell your children negative information about your EX. Use the questions below as your guide to determine how to respond to each scenario. In each scenario decide whether you should or should not tell the children the negative information about the other parent.
  
  What information do I want to tell my children about the other parent? Name the specific behavior(s) that you want the children to know about the other parent.
  
  
• What are all of the reasons I want to or believe I need to tell my children this information about the other parent?
  
• Why do you believe your children should know this information about the other person?

• Is the reason personal, out of anger, full of revenge? Will knowing this information actually make a difference in the way the children behave or feel?

• Are my children being hurt by not knowing this information? Would they be hurt more if they were told this information? How will this information improve the children’s lives by knowing this?

• How can this information be told to the children without criticizing? How will this information actually help my children?

• How will this information improve their relationship with the other parent/stepparent/family members?

• What do I expect to accomplish by sharing this information with the children? Is there any better way to share it?

• Do the benefits of sharing this information with my children outweigh the emotional risks the children may experience?

• How can this information backfire on the children or on me?

• Who can I ask to help me decide if this information is important to share with the children? What child development professionals, family therapists, family law attorneys or other knowledgeable professional can I talk to about the issues to determine whether I am on track for sharing this information with my children?

• How can I tell my children this information so that it supports the children’s self-esteem and doesn’t denigrate the other parent? What is the best way to share this information with my children, through other professionals or through me?

• Can you ask the professionals to assist you with creating the plan to share the information?
  
  1. The father is usually late picking up the children from the other parent. The children are anxious and get upset when they have to wait for him.
  
  
  2. The mother had an abortion and an extramarital affair before ending the marriage.
  
  
  3. The father only drinks after work and on weekends when he does not have the children.
  
  
  4. The mother has mood swings and is often unpredictable during her time with the children-often the children have to take care of themselves.
  
  
  5. The father hasn’t paid child support in 8 months.
  
  
  6. The mother has her boyfriend over to the house on weekends when the children are with the father. The father is angry with the mother for ending the relationship.
  
  If you have any doubt or questions about the information you want to share with your children, seek expert help first. Spending a little time on how to protect the children from emotional harm helps them manage the situation more effectively.