End the Chronic Conflict with Your EX

To end the chronic conflict with the EX, one of the parents has to let go and get on with their life. If you spend your time waiting for your EX to "get it," "get over it" or to coparent with you, you are wasting your life energy. You are also emotionally bankrupting your relationship with your children.

If you are waiting for Perry Mason to show up and help you with the " truth," you are living in a fantasy world. You can spend thousands of dollars trying to get the courts to "see" the truth. You can spend thousands of dollars trying to get more custody because you believe that the other parent is dangerous for the children (and they may be dangerous). You can spend eighteen years in the court system and never get the justice you want, or right all of the wrongs or get the relief you think you deserve. You are wasting your life energy, if you believe any of your money, energy or time will bring you the big court "win" of custody over your EX.

The truth about custody is that it only takes one parent to save the children and it only takes one parent to end the conflict. When you are still thinking that you can get through to the EX, then you are wasting your life energy on them. You only have so much energy in your life if you burn out on your EX, you do not have anything left for your children. Instead, use your energy to multiply share your joy and laughter, your sense of adventure and your dreams for the future with your children. Take them out of the middle.

You have to be willing to stop trying to prove to the courts that you are a good parent and your EX is a lousy parent. You have to understand that you are giving your EX the power to keep messing with you as long as you fight with them and let them bother you with what they say and do to you.

The courts do not care who is causing the problem. They do not want to hear any more of your blaming, shaming, backbiting or excuses. They want the two of you to get along, now, for the sake of your children. The courts will make orders insisting that you learn to coparent, stop fighting, get along, be nice to each other, stop filing declarations . . . until you run out of money or until one of you irritates the judge or the court professionals so much that they make an order that you can't correct. The order becomes an all-or-nothing, threating message from the judge, "Don't you dare come back into my court room again!"

Focus on being “with” your children. Focus on paying attention to them. Ignore your EX’s attempts to get you to play their game. Your children deserve at least one parent who is “good” for them. So start right now, end the conflict and focus on your children.

Part 1-Mom's World-Dad's World or Understanding Parallel Parenting Defined

Parallel parenting is defined as a style of coparenting which allows parents to reduce their
communication with each other regarding the children. It gives each parent control over his or her own parenting time. You do not consult your EX about your daily routines, rules, or decisions regarding the children. Minor decisions about the children are made on your own, without interacting or seeking approval from the other parent. All major decisions will probably require communication and agreement between both of you. You may need professional intervention to resolve these issues if you are in high conflict.

Parallel parenting works for parents who have a history of, or potential for conflict over their children’s issues. This style of parenting reduces communication between the parents so they have a chance to develop their own rules in their own world without constantly being disrupted by the EX’s disapproval or interference. Each parent creates their own regular and stable routines for their children when they are in their own home. The children benefit because the parents quit trying to reach agreements with the other parent. Conflictual parents never agree and parents in conflict waste emotional energy trying to reach child sharing agreements.

In “Mom’s World-Dad’s World” each parent decides their own rules for school work, bedtime, homework and chores. Both parent’s rules may be different. The children adjust to these changes just like they adjust to having several teachers in school who have different rules for academics and for behavior. For example: a mother tells her child to brush their teeth. The child says, “Daddy doesn’t make me brush my teeth before bedtime." Mommy replies, “That’s in Daddy’s World. When you are in my world, you need to brush your teeth before bedtime."

The child may try to manipulate the mom by trying to get her to stop enforcing her rules. The mother needs to let go of the child not brushing their teeth at Dad’s. Instead, she needs to design a plan to positively reinforce the child when they do brush their teeth in her world and when they report having brushed their teeth at Dad’s. This takes the children out of the middle of the parent's fight. It reduces the conflict. The child learn how to brush their teeth on their own without a reminder, because they are rewarded both and Mom's house and Dad's house without having to have a battle with Dad.

Another example in Mom's World-Dad's World is when a father tells his child to get their homework done before dinner. The child replies, “Mommy doesn’t make me do my homework before dinner.” Daddy then replies, “That’s Mommy’s World. While you are in my home, you need to do your homework before dinner. When you are with me, you need to do homework according to my rules.”

Dad has to let go of the child not doing their homework at Mom’s home. Efforts to get the mother to support homework completion with threats, nicely asking, sending friendly reminders or asking for court intervention usually always fail but it keeps the child in the middle and the conflict going. Mom may be disorganized or unwilling to support the children at school.

Instead, the father should make contact with the teacher and begin to design a campaign between himself, the child and the teacher that supports the child’s success in school and with homework. The father may consider picking up a second set of assignments for his home, establishing positive rewards for the child to earn during school with the teacher during Mother’s week with the child, or establishing communication with the teacher during the Mother's week that helps the child remember to do the homework during the Mother’s week without ever needing the mother to support him.

Part 2- When, why and whether to tell your children negative information about their other parent

Here are some questions to consider to determine whether the negative information want to share with your children, such as the other parent's character flaws or bad habits are appropriate to share with your children.

1. What information do I want to tell my children about the other parent? Name the specific behavior(s) that you want the children to know about the other parent.

2. What are all of the reasons I want to tell my children this information about the other parent? Why do I believe that my children should know this information about the other parent? Is my reason personal, out of anger, because I want revenge, and will this information actually make a difference in the way my children behave or feel?

3. Are my children being hurt by not knowing this information? Would they be hurt more if they were told this information? How can this information be told to my children without criticizing the other parent? How will the courts accept me when they hear I have tod the children this information?

4. How will this information actually help my children? How will this information improve their relationship with the other parent/stepparent/family members? How will this information improve my children’s lives? What do I expect to accomplish by sharing this information with the children? Is there any better way to share it with the children?

5. Do the benefits of sharing this information with my children outweigh the emotional risks they may experience? How can this information backfire on the children or on me?

6. Who can I ask to help me decide if this information is important to share with the children? What child development professionals, family therapists, family law attorneys, or other knowledgeable professionals can I ask for help to determine whether I am on track before I share this information with my children?

7. How can I tell my children this information so that it supports the children’s self-esteem and doesn’t denigrate the other parent? What is the best way to share this information with my children, through other professionals or through me? What is the best way to share this information?

Which professionals can you ask to assist you with creating a plan to share the information if you decide that it is important to the children to know. Do you need more clarification or help? Do you have questions about creating a plan of action to tell the children? Contact Dr. Deena for more ideas.

Part 3 When, why, whether to tell your children negative information about their other parent

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  You may need to practice how to tell your children negative information about your EX. Use the questions below as your guide to determine how to respond to each scenario. In each scenario decide whether you should or should not tell the children the negative information about the other parent.
  
  What information do I want to tell my children about the other parent? Name the specific behavior(s) that you want the children to know about the other parent.
  
  
• What are all of the reasons I want to or believe I need to tell my children this information about the other parent?
  
• Why do you believe your children should know this information about the other person?

• Is the reason personal, out of anger, full of revenge? Will knowing this information actually make a difference in the way the children behave or feel?

• Are my children being hurt by not knowing this information? Would they be hurt more if they were told this information? How will this information improve the children’s lives by knowing this?

• How can this information be told to the children without criticizing? How will this information actually help my children?

• How will this information improve their relationship with the other parent/stepparent/family members?

• What do I expect to accomplish by sharing this information with the children? Is there any better way to share it?

• Do the benefits of sharing this information with my children outweigh the emotional risks the children may experience?

• How can this information backfire on the children or on me?

• Who can I ask to help me decide if this information is important to share with the children? What child development professionals, family therapists, family law attorneys or other knowledgeable professional can I talk to about the issues to determine whether I am on track for sharing this information with my children?

• How can I tell my children this information so that it supports the children’s self-esteem and doesn’t denigrate the other parent? What is the best way to share this information with my children, through other professionals or through me?

• Can you ask the professionals to assist you with creating the plan to share the information?
  
  1. The father is usually late picking up the children from the other parent. The children are anxious and get upset when they have to wait for him.
  
  
  2. The mother had an abortion and an extramarital affair before ending the marriage.
  
  
  3. The father only drinks after work and on weekends when he does not have the children.
  
  
  4. The mother has mood swings and is often unpredictable during her time with the children-often the children have to take care of themselves.
  
  
  5. The father hasn’t paid child support in 8 months.
  
  
  6. The mother has her boyfriend over to the house on weekends when the children are with the father. The father is angry with the mother for ending the relationship.
  
  If you have any doubt or questions about the information you want to share with your children, seek expert help first. Spending a little time on how to protect the children from emotional harm helps them manage the situation more effectively.

Part 1- When, why, and whether to tell children negative information about their other parent

There are many high conflict child custody cases where one or both of the parents have character flaws or the parent has created a negative situation which puts emotional pressure on the children. The other parent may feel it is important to tell the children about the other parent’s flaws or the negative situation to release the children from the pressure that the other parent's behavior has caused for the child(ren).

This article is written to help you determine whether to tell your children about the other parent's flaws/ issues that may be harming your children.

For more help, please read the book written Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak, PhD. who goes into more detail about these issues.

The court authorities and professionals involved with custody cases frown on parents sharing anything negative about the other parent with the children. The judges, counselors and family therapists believe that children should have equal access to both parents (even when one or both of the parents is/are defective or has issues that may directly harm the children).

This article is not designed to encourage parents to bad mouth, blame, or bash the other parent,

nor is it as an outline on how to brainwash the children against the other parent. Family court and psychological professionals ideally want all children engaged in divorce or a family breakup to have good relationships with both of their parents, no matter how difficult one or both of the parents may be. Unfortunately, the court professionals really cannot monitor the emotional damage to the children when one of the parents has a personality problem, such as borderline, antisocial, narcissistic or addictive behavior that interfers with their ability to parent the children. When one parent continues to place their own needs above their children’s needs, the children always get hurt.

There are times when sharing the negative information about the EX actually takes the children out of the middle of the conflict because it allows the children to stop feeling defective, guilty, responsible or confused about themselves. Describing the negative issues and discussing the parent's problem in an effective way actually helps the children realize that it is not their fault.

Often, one of the parents has whitewashed the information or lied to the children about the other parent's problem in an attempt to protect the children. Unfortunately, the children do not understand this and instead get the message from the parent that they are the ones who are so bad or so defective that they have driven the parents into the breakup or the constant fighting.

One women felt because her mother never told her why she was always mad, that it must be her fault. When she asked her mother to tell her what she did wrong, the mother was always silent. The woman interpreted this to mean that she was soooooooo terrible that her mother couldn't even speak about how awful she really was. This woman grew up having major self esteem and relationship issues. When parents ignore the child's need to know the truth, the child believes it must be their fault because they can't give the children straight answers.

Begin to tell the truth to your children. Be careful what you tell them. Be careful how you tell them, but consider that there are situations when you should tell them negative information about the other parent. One criteria for the discussion about negative information would be when a parent has a problem that causes the chilren to suffer. If the children knew that it was not their fault, it was the parent's character flaw, the childre would be relieved from the burden of feeling guilty. Telling the children would help them relieve any emotional confusion about the situation too.

When a parent doesn’t stand up to the situation and correct or discuss it with the children, they are left to believe that they are helpless and must learn by themselves to sort out right from wrong. When a parent remains silent, or makes excuses for the other parent, then the children become confused about many emotional issues. One way the children handle the confusion is to become numb to emotions, both positive and negative ones. They also do not learn the skills to sort out the truth from the lies and this causes emotional problems for them as adults.

Please go to Part 2 of this article to continue reading this article.