End the Chronic Conflict with Your EX

To end the chronic conflict with the EX, one of the parents has to let go and get on with their life. If you spend your time waiting for your EX to "get it," "get over it" or to coparent with you, you are wasting your life energy. You are also emotionally bankrupting your relationship with your children.

If you are waiting for Perry Mason to show up and help you with the " truth," you are living in a fantasy world. You can spend thousands of dollars trying to get the courts to "see" the truth. You can spend thousands of dollars trying to get more custody because you believe that the other parent is dangerous for the children (and they may be dangerous). You can spend eighteen years in the court system and never get the justice you want, or right all of the wrongs or get the relief you think you deserve. You are wasting your life energy, if you believe any of your money, energy or time will bring you the big court "win" of custody over your EX.

The truth about custody is that it only takes one parent to save the children and it only takes one parent to end the conflict. When you are still thinking that you can get through to the EX, then you are wasting your life energy on them. You only have so much energy in your life if you burn out on your EX, you do not have anything left for your children. Instead, use your energy to multiply share your joy and laughter, your sense of adventure and your dreams for the future with your children. Take them out of the middle.

You have to be willing to stop trying to prove to the courts that you are a good parent and your EX is a lousy parent. You have to understand that you are giving your EX the power to keep messing with you as long as you fight with them and let them bother you with what they say and do to you.

The courts do not care who is causing the problem. They do not want to hear any more of your blaming, shaming, backbiting or excuses. They want the two of you to get along, now, for the sake of your children. The courts will make orders insisting that you learn to coparent, stop fighting, get along, be nice to each other, stop filing declarations . . . until you run out of money or until one of you irritates the judge or the court professionals so much that they make an order that you can't correct. The order becomes an all-or-nothing, threating message from the judge, "Don't you dare come back into my court room again!"

Focus on being “with” your children. Focus on paying attention to them. Ignore your EX’s attempts to get you to play their game. Your children deserve at least one parent who is “good” for them. So start right now, end the conflict and focus on your children.

Part 1-Mom's World-Dad's World or Understanding Parallel Parenting Defined

Parallel parenting is defined as a style of coparenting which allows parents to reduce their
communication with each other regarding the children. It gives each parent control over his or her own parenting time. You do not consult your EX about your daily routines, rules, or decisions regarding the children. Minor decisions about the children are made on your own, without interacting or seeking approval from the other parent. All major decisions will probably require communication and agreement between both of you. You may need professional intervention to resolve these issues if you are in high conflict.

Parallel parenting works for parents who have a history of, or potential for conflict over their children’s issues. This style of parenting reduces communication between the parents so they have a chance to develop their own rules in their own world without constantly being disrupted by the EX’s disapproval or interference. Each parent creates their own regular and stable routines for their children when they are in their own home. The children benefit because the parents quit trying to reach agreements with the other parent. Conflictual parents never agree and parents in conflict waste emotional energy trying to reach child sharing agreements.

In “Mom’s World-Dad’s World” each parent decides their own rules for school work, bedtime, homework and chores. Both parent’s rules may be different. The children adjust to these changes just like they adjust to having several teachers in school who have different rules for academics and for behavior. For example: a mother tells her child to brush their teeth. The child says, “Daddy doesn’t make me brush my teeth before bedtime." Mommy replies, “That’s in Daddy’s World. When you are in my world, you need to brush your teeth before bedtime."

The child may try to manipulate the mom by trying to get her to stop enforcing her rules. The mother needs to let go of the child not brushing their teeth at Dad’s. Instead, she needs to design a plan to positively reinforce the child when they do brush their teeth in her world and when they report having brushed their teeth at Dad’s. This takes the children out of the middle of the parent's fight. It reduces the conflict. The child learn how to brush their teeth on their own without a reminder, because they are rewarded both and Mom's house and Dad's house without having to have a battle with Dad.

Another example in Mom's World-Dad's World is when a father tells his child to get their homework done before dinner. The child replies, “Mommy doesn’t make me do my homework before dinner.” Daddy then replies, “That’s Mommy’s World. While you are in my home, you need to do your homework before dinner. When you are with me, you need to do homework according to my rules.”

Dad has to let go of the child not doing their homework at Mom’s home. Efforts to get the mother to support homework completion with threats, nicely asking, sending friendly reminders or asking for court intervention usually always fail but it keeps the child in the middle and the conflict going. Mom may be disorganized or unwilling to support the children at school.

Instead, the father should make contact with the teacher and begin to design a campaign between himself, the child and the teacher that supports the child’s success in school and with homework. The father may consider picking up a second set of assignments for his home, establishing positive rewards for the child to earn during school with the teacher during Mother’s week with the child, or establishing communication with the teacher during the Mother's week that helps the child remember to do the homework during the Mother’s week without ever needing the mother to support him.