End the Chronic Conflict with Your EX

To end the chronic conflict with the EX, one of the parents has to let go and get on with their life. If you spend your time waiting for your EX to "get it," "get over it" or to coparent with you, you are wasting your life energy. You are also emotionally bankrupting your relationship with your children.

If you are waiting for Perry Mason to show up and help you with the " truth," you are living in a fantasy world. You can spend thousands of dollars trying to get the courts to "see" the truth. You can spend thousands of dollars trying to get more custody because you believe that the other parent is dangerous for the children (and they may be dangerous). You can spend eighteen years in the court system and never get the justice you want, or right all of the wrongs or get the relief you think you deserve. You are wasting your life energy, if you believe any of your money, energy or time will bring you the big court "win" of custody over your EX.

The truth about custody is that it only takes one parent to save the children and it only takes one parent to end the conflict. When you are still thinking that you can get through to the EX, then you are wasting your life energy on them. You only have so much energy in your life if you burn out on your EX, you do not have anything left for your children. Instead, use your energy to multiply share your joy and laughter, your sense of adventure and your dreams for the future with your children. Take them out of the middle.

You have to be willing to stop trying to prove to the courts that you are a good parent and your EX is a lousy parent. You have to understand that you are giving your EX the power to keep messing with you as long as you fight with them and let them bother you with what they say and do to you.

The courts do not care who is causing the problem. They do not want to hear any more of your blaming, shaming, backbiting or excuses. They want the two of you to get along, now, for the sake of your children. The courts will make orders insisting that you learn to coparent, stop fighting, get along, be nice to each other, stop filing declarations . . . until you run out of money or until one of you irritates the judge or the court professionals so much that they make an order that you can't correct. The order becomes an all-or-nothing, threating message from the judge, "Don't you dare come back into my court room again!"

Focus on being “with” your children. Focus on paying attention to them. Ignore your EX’s attempts to get you to play their game. Your children deserve at least one parent who is “good” for them. So start right now, end the conflict and focus on your children.

Part 2- When, why and whether to tell your children negative information about their other parent

Here are some questions to consider to determine whether the negative information want to share with your children, such as the other parent's character flaws or bad habits are appropriate to share with your children.

1. What information do I want to tell my children about the other parent? Name the specific behavior(s) that you want the children to know about the other parent.

2. What are all of the reasons I want to tell my children this information about the other parent? Why do I believe that my children should know this information about the other parent? Is my reason personal, out of anger, because I want revenge, and will this information actually make a difference in the way my children behave or feel?

3. Are my children being hurt by not knowing this information? Would they be hurt more if they were told this information? How can this information be told to my children without criticizing the other parent? How will the courts accept me when they hear I have tod the children this information?

4. How will this information actually help my children? How will this information improve their relationship with the other parent/stepparent/family members? How will this information improve my children’s lives? What do I expect to accomplish by sharing this information with the children? Is there any better way to share it with the children?

5. Do the benefits of sharing this information with my children outweigh the emotional risks they may experience? How can this information backfire on the children or on me?

6. Who can I ask to help me decide if this information is important to share with the children? What child development professionals, family therapists, family law attorneys, or other knowledgeable professionals can I ask for help to determine whether I am on track before I share this information with my children?

7. How can I tell my children this information so that it supports the children’s self-esteem and doesn’t denigrate the other parent? What is the best way to share this information with my children, through other professionals or through me? What is the best way to share this information?

Which professionals can you ask to assist you with creating a plan to share the information if you decide that it is important to the children to know. Do you need more clarification or help? Do you have questions about creating a plan of action to tell the children? Contact Dr. Deena for more ideas.

Part 1- When, why, and whether to tell children negative information about their other parent

There are many high conflict child custody cases where one or both of the parents have character flaws or the parent has created a negative situation which puts emotional pressure on the children. The other parent may feel it is important to tell the children about the other parent’s flaws or the negative situation to release the children from the pressure that the other parent's behavior has caused for the child(ren).

This article is written to help you determine whether to tell your children about the other parent's flaws/ issues that may be harming your children.

For more help, please read the book written Divorce Poison, by Richard Warshak, PhD. who goes into more detail about these issues.

The court authorities and professionals involved with custody cases frown on parents sharing anything negative about the other parent with the children. The judges, counselors and family therapists believe that children should have equal access to both parents (even when one or both of the parents is/are defective or has issues that may directly harm the children).

This article is not designed to encourage parents to bad mouth, blame, or bash the other parent,

nor is it as an outline on how to brainwash the children against the other parent. Family court and psychological professionals ideally want all children engaged in divorce or a family breakup to have good relationships with both of their parents, no matter how difficult one or both of the parents may be. Unfortunately, the court professionals really cannot monitor the emotional damage to the children when one of the parents has a personality problem, such as borderline, antisocial, narcissistic or addictive behavior that interfers with their ability to parent the children. When one parent continues to place their own needs above their children’s needs, the children always get hurt.

There are times when sharing the negative information about the EX actually takes the children out of the middle of the conflict because it allows the children to stop feeling defective, guilty, responsible or confused about themselves. Describing the negative issues and discussing the parent's problem in an effective way actually helps the children realize that it is not their fault.

Often, one of the parents has whitewashed the information or lied to the children about the other parent's problem in an attempt to protect the children. Unfortunately, the children do not understand this and instead get the message from the parent that they are the ones who are so bad or so defective that they have driven the parents into the breakup or the constant fighting.

One women felt because her mother never told her why she was always mad, that it must be her fault. When she asked her mother to tell her what she did wrong, the mother was always silent. The woman interpreted this to mean that she was soooooooo terrible that her mother couldn't even speak about how awful she really was. This woman grew up having major self esteem and relationship issues. When parents ignore the child's need to know the truth, the child believes it must be their fault because they can't give the children straight answers.

Begin to tell the truth to your children. Be careful what you tell them. Be careful how you tell them, but consider that there are situations when you should tell them negative information about the other parent. One criteria for the discussion about negative information would be when a parent has a problem that causes the chilren to suffer. If the children knew that it was not their fault, it was the parent's character flaw, the childre would be relieved from the burden of feeling guilty. Telling the children would help them relieve any emotional confusion about the situation too.

When a parent doesn’t stand up to the situation and correct or discuss it with the children, they are left to believe that they are helpless and must learn by themselves to sort out right from wrong. When a parent remains silent, or makes excuses for the other parent, then the children become confused about many emotional issues. One way the children handle the confusion is to become numb to emotions, both positive and negative ones. They also do not learn the skills to sort out the truth from the lies and this causes emotional problems for them as adults.

Please go to Part 2 of this article to continue reading this article.