Coparenting vs. Conflictual coparenting

What is the definition of coparenting? For parents involved in high conflict custody cases, the courts and professionals involved with these cases believe that you must "learn" to coparent. But when asked to define coparenting, many professionals disagree with one another about what coparenting actually means and bow parents are really supposed to coparent with each other if there has been conflict between them.

Let me first define coparenting according to my experience with non-conflictual couples:

1. Coparenting is defined when both of the parents believe that the other parent is acting in the best interest for their children.

2. Both of the parents believe that the other parent is essential in the children's lives and will actively support the children's relationship with the other parent.

3. Both of the parents, although they may disagree about how to handle a situation related to the children, will in the end both support each other in the decision and actively follow through with the decision they made.

4. One parent may do more of the decision making between the two parents, but the other parent, maybe by default will support the way they parent the child or at least not argue with the other parent and actively sabotage the other parent's efforts.

Here is my definition for conflictual coparenting according to my experience with conflictual couples:

1. One or both of the parents does not believe that the other parent is acting in the best interests of the children.

2. One or both of the parents believes that the other parent has parental deficiencies, a personality disorder, substance abuses issues or is in some way dangerous for the children and this parent will actively thwart the children's relationship with the other parent.

3. One or both of the parents knows that they need the intervention of the courts to assist them with child sharing decisions, but once the decisions have been made, one or both of the parents actively sabotages the court order, by undermining and bad-mouthing the professionals, the other parent, or by not following the court order because there is not penalty for breaking the order, or because the order is not specific enough to follow to the letter of the law.

It is a philosophical difference between coparents and conflictual parents:
For high conflict parents, it is obvious that there is a philosophical difference between parents who believe they are both good for the children and for those who believe that one of the parents is not good for the children. Thus you have parents who can work together and parents who will never be able to work together.

Court Professionals, (as well as the entire population of people surrounding a conflictual family) often make the statement to the parents, "You loved each other once, why can't you just put your differences aside for the sake of the children?" This sounds reasonable to the outsider, until, you understand that there is more going on than a few differences between the parents and the "love" between the parents may never have existed in the first place. Often, high conflict cases consist of one of the parents having a high conflict personality while the other parent is trying hard to get them to stop harming the children. One or both of these parents believe that the other parent is detrimental to the children and they seek the court's assistance to protect the children.

Unfortunately, the court's often don't have the resources to really find out is a parent is detrimental to the children, they common focus through legislature now is to provide both parents with "equal access" to the children, (which is interpreted by parents as 50/50 time share) and most often the courts don't care about what the parents report about the other parent. The number of high conflict cases continues to rise and the courts are not equipped to handle these cases. The courts resort to outside professionals making recommendations to the courts regarding child sharing issues. Unfortunately, because most professionals believe that the parents must learn to "get along" and "coparent" the fights never get resolved, but instead become further exaccerbated by one or both of the parents fighting the recommendations. The recommendations, often mean that the professionals try to end the fight by dividing the children in half between the two homes, which further compounds the parent's fears about the other parent's detriment to the children. Most professionals are not educated on how to manage high conflict cases, so the case becomes even more litigious rather than calming down.

One of the keys to understanding what needs to happen in these cases is that it only takes one parent to end the conflict and it only takes one parent to save the children from being permanently scarred by the fight. It is a waste of time to think the parents can "learn to get along" with each other, because if they could have done so, they would have already do it without a court order to "learn to coparent."

When I say, it only takes one parent to end the conflict, I mean that one of the two parents has to learn how to let go of the fight, let go of their efforts to get the courts to see that the other parent is the problem, and they have to let go of the their desire for revenge, justice or truth through the courts. They have to want to get on with their life. The high conflict has taken on a life of it's own, there is energy in the fighting, there is energy (although negative energy) in continuous hate between the parents. It is very scary to let go of the fight if you believe you will lose your children or they will be screwed up by the EX if you don't do something about it.

It is not the "high conflict parent" who actually ends the fight, it is usually the good parent who says, " I don't want to fight anymore and I will learn how to end this once and for all. " The parent must learn how to let go of the EX, connect more closely to the children to make sure they feel bonded with them and they have to know that fighting is destroying their relationship with the children as much as their efforts to stop the EX from damaging the children.

Parent must begin to specifically work on ways to implement the idea that their part of the fight is over. I teach parents and professionals specific strategies to re-frame their feelings, fears and frustrations when dealing with the EX.

Letting go of the EX is sometimes extremely difficult if the EX is totally focused on destroying you and keeping you away from the children. You need to learn tactical ways to end the interaction, end the reactions to the EX that keep them going after you. Learning to redirect your energy toward your children is much more fun and rewarding. That's another posting!

Your Buried Treasure Within

You can see infinite wealth and power all around you when you open up your spiritual eyes. The buried treasure is actually a gold mine inside of you that is filled with the powerful and wonderful resources to help you live a glorious life. Many people are completely clueless about their gold mine of infinite wisdom and unlimited resources within. They have never been taught who they are and what they can become when they learn to tap into that wonderful gold mine. Did you know that when steel is magnetized it can lift about twelve times its own weight? When you demagnetize the same piece of steel, it can’t even lift a feather.

There are two types of people in life, those who are magnetized and those who are not. The magnetized person knows that they have the internal resources and knows about the gold mine within. They know that they can access to infinite power, wisdom, self-confidence and skills inside and can use these to create a wonderful life. When you are going through a conflictual divorce or custody battle, it is easy to run on fear and doubt. The goal in this article is to help you realize that you have everything you need inside of you to become a parent to the 10th power. Step out of your pain and look inside for your strength. Get as much information about the courts as possible so you can get in, get out and get on with life.

The demagnetized person is full of doubts, fears and doesn’t know the power they have inside. They are focused on what the EX is doing to them or the children rather than on what they can do to be “with” the children and keep them out of the middle of the conflict. These parents often feel powerless and frightened.

The truth is that you do have the power to change the way your case is going. You can’t do it in the courtroom or with professions, you really win when you realize that you have the power inside of you the change the way you act and think and feel about your EX. As long as you are afraid of what your EX is doing to you or your children, they are in change. You win your custody case in your head and in your heart. Custody issues are never really won in the courtroom, they are won inside your head when you really understand how much power your really have to take yourself out of the conflict and place your children first in your mind.

Creating activities with your children that keep them thinking about their time with you is one way to connect your children more closely to you. Your children miss you when you are distracted by your EX. They will do anything to get your attention, even if it is misbehavior or poor grades. When you realize your internal power, you can let go of the fight and stay focused on creating a big, big wonderful world with lots of choices for your children and you to enjoy. Plan activities with your children in advance so your children have something to look forward to doing with you. This keeps you in their mind when they are with the other parent. Give them individual responsibility for planning the activities, for example, if you choose to go camping, give them the job of helping you inventory the camping equipment, replacing the flashlight batteries, planning the meals. Give them a voice, during the planning so they feel like they have a stake in the events and are part of it, this way they will embrace the activities rather than fight you on them.

When you are focused on planning positive activities with your children for future time, you begin to feel closer to your children and they feel closer to you. They will do anything to behave so they can participate in activities that keep making them feel close. Once you get a glimpse of your power to bring your children along with you into the future, you have experienced your gold mine within. The more you engage your children in positive planning in the future, the more they respond. They more they respond, the easier it is to leave your EX in the dust. (Your gold dust, that is!)

The San Diego County High Conflict Intervention Program

The high conflict program is a 12 week class for conflicting parent. You and your EX do not attend the class together on the same nights. The cost of the class is $35 per class. The class is designed to help you end the conflict with your EX. I teach you the skills to get your children out of the middle and the techniques to disengage from your EX and become empowered to move away from the conflict.

I have worked with over 3500 high conflict couples in the last 11 years and have found that every time you hear your EX’s voice or you see their face, you will emotionally and physically react with anxiety. This anxiety reaction lasts for about 72 hours. I call this “spinning.” I also call it “noise in your head,” because the anxiety reaction creates a mental dialogue that stops you from focusing on your children, and instead keeps you distracted because you are thinking about what is going on between you and your EX.

During the classes we discuss two specific rules that are designed to eliminate or significantly reduce the conflict. The first rule we discuss is to eliminate all face to face communication between you and your EX. The second rule is that all communication between your and your EX should be done only in writing. Both of these rules are designed to reduce the contact and the communication between both of you. Following these rules will help you to calm down and to reduce the conflict which helps you protect your children.

During the class we discuss how to get through the court system. We discuss the dos and don’ts and the rights and wrongs for your court case. We discuss how to understand the mindset of the court professionals and what to do to stay on their good side. We also discuss strategies to communicate more effectively with the court professionals involved in your case, hoe to tell your story so that professionals listen to your concerns rather than tune you out and what the courts don’t really care about and what they want to hear from you about your case. We discuss how to get closer to your children in fun, imaginative ways which will brings them emotionally closer to you too. We talk about becoming a parent to the 10th power so that you are focused on being a great parent and you can let go of the small things your EX does to you and the children that drive you nuts and the courts won’t do anything about!

If you have more questions that are not answered in the mini article, please feel free to contact me via email at Doc@DeenaStacer.com or call me at 800-980-0434. I am about ready to launch an electronic version of this class, but the launch date has not been determined yet it should be in the spring of 2008 however.

To get the directions to the class, please go to www.highconflictintervention.com and go to the page for the class flyer and map and download the flyer.

Part 2- Mom's World-Dad's World or Understanding Parallel Parenting

Do not punish your child to prove a point to the court professionals that the other parent is inadequate, difficult or resistant. Your focus is misdirected. Your child will suffer because you are trying to make a point that never supports their success and keeps you focusing on the fight not the children.

If your child is missing homework, fix it. Do not let them fail in school to prove that the other parent is not involved, doesn’t care, or can’t manage school or homework, support your child with your positive energy instead.

Separate worlds means that both parents individually contact the children’s coaches, teachers & extracurricular leaders. Parents attend extracurricular events during their own child sharing time, if there is a chance there will be conflict. Communication about academic performance takes place at separate school conferences. Parents learn to let go of things they can’t change about the other parent. Each parent should learn to parent their own way, even when one of the parents does not believe the other parent's way supports the children. If it is a legitimate safety issues, the courts may need to intervene. What you consider a safety issue may not be considered one by the courts however.

Each parent’s world includes rules for home, school and the world in general. It includes the parent’s choice of friends, their beliefs, their religion, their culture and their family history. Each parent's world includes their own family traditions, family dynamics and all the people in the parent’s life.

You may not like the other parent’s choice of rules or people, but your child does not deserve to hear about your displeasure. They love the other parent and they love you. The children want to be a part of both of their parent’s traditions, rules and family activities.

What happens in Mom’s world needs to stay in Mom’s World and what happens in Dad’s World needs to stay in Dad’s World. Tell your children that you do not need to know what goes on in the other parent’s world. Do not ask your child what they did with the other parent and don’t ask them to relay messages to the other parent. This puts them in right in the middle of their parent’s fight. If your children are complaining about something dangerous going on in the other parent’s home, you need to provide a professional they can talk to rather than you who can document their concerns.

You may not realize it but you are encouraging your children to tell you want you want to hear at the other parent's home, when it may not be as bad as they say it is. If it is bad, talk to a professional, because they can take you out of the middle of the “he said/she said” battle. Professionals can confirm that you have legitimate concerns about one of the parent’s parenting style without you being attacked by other court professionals as being the problem. Get out of the middle and get your children out of the fight.

End the Chronic Conflict with Your EX

To end the chronic conflict with the EX, one of the parents has to let go and get on with their life. If you spend your time waiting for your EX to "get it," "get over it" or to coparent with you, you are wasting your life energy. You are also emotionally bankrupting your relationship with your children.

If you are waiting for Perry Mason to show up and help you with the " truth," you are living in a fantasy world. You can spend thousands of dollars trying to get the courts to "see" the truth. You can spend thousands of dollars trying to get more custody because you believe that the other parent is dangerous for the children (and they may be dangerous). You can spend eighteen years in the court system and never get the justice you want, or right all of the wrongs or get the relief you think you deserve. You are wasting your life energy, if you believe any of your money, energy or time will bring you the big court "win" of custody over your EX.

The truth about custody is that it only takes one parent to save the children and it only takes one parent to end the conflict. When you are still thinking that you can get through to the EX, then you are wasting your life energy on them. You only have so much energy in your life if you burn out on your EX, you do not have anything left for your children. Instead, use your energy to multiply share your joy and laughter, your sense of adventure and your dreams for the future with your children. Take them out of the middle.

You have to be willing to stop trying to prove to the courts that you are a good parent and your EX is a lousy parent. You have to understand that you are giving your EX the power to keep messing with you as long as you fight with them and let them bother you with what they say and do to you.

The courts do not care who is causing the problem. They do not want to hear any more of your blaming, shaming, backbiting or excuses. They want the two of you to get along, now, for the sake of your children. The courts will make orders insisting that you learn to coparent, stop fighting, get along, be nice to each other, stop filing declarations . . . until you run out of money or until one of you irritates the judge or the court professionals so much that they make an order that you can't correct. The order becomes an all-or-nothing, threating message from the judge, "Don't you dare come back into my court room again!"

Focus on being “with” your children. Focus on paying attention to them. Ignore your EX’s attempts to get you to play their game. Your children deserve at least one parent who is “good” for them. So start right now, end the conflict and focus on your children.

Part 1-Mom's World-Dad's World or Understanding Parallel Parenting Defined

Parallel parenting is defined as a style of coparenting which allows parents to reduce their
communication with each other regarding the children. It gives each parent control over his or her own parenting time. You do not consult your EX about your daily routines, rules, or decisions regarding the children. Minor decisions about the children are made on your own, without interacting or seeking approval from the other parent. All major decisions will probably require communication and agreement between both of you. You may need professional intervention to resolve these issues if you are in high conflict.

Parallel parenting works for parents who have a history of, or potential for conflict over their children’s issues. This style of parenting reduces communication between the parents so they have a chance to develop their own rules in their own world without constantly being disrupted by the EX’s disapproval or interference. Each parent creates their own regular and stable routines for their children when they are in their own home. The children benefit because the parents quit trying to reach agreements with the other parent. Conflictual parents never agree and parents in conflict waste emotional energy trying to reach child sharing agreements.

In “Mom’s World-Dad’s World” each parent decides their own rules for school work, bedtime, homework and chores. Both parent’s rules may be different. The children adjust to these changes just like they adjust to having several teachers in school who have different rules for academics and for behavior. For example: a mother tells her child to brush their teeth. The child says, “Daddy doesn’t make me brush my teeth before bedtime." Mommy replies, “That’s in Daddy’s World. When you are in my world, you need to brush your teeth before bedtime."

The child may try to manipulate the mom by trying to get her to stop enforcing her rules. The mother needs to let go of the child not brushing their teeth at Dad’s. Instead, she needs to design a plan to positively reinforce the child when they do brush their teeth in her world and when they report having brushed their teeth at Dad’s. This takes the children out of the middle of the parent's fight. It reduces the conflict. The child learn how to brush their teeth on their own without a reminder, because they are rewarded both and Mom's house and Dad's house without having to have a battle with Dad.

Another example in Mom's World-Dad's World is when a father tells his child to get their homework done before dinner. The child replies, “Mommy doesn’t make me do my homework before dinner.” Daddy then replies, “That’s Mommy’s World. While you are in my home, you need to do your homework before dinner. When you are with me, you need to do homework according to my rules.”

Dad has to let go of the child not doing their homework at Mom’s home. Efforts to get the mother to support homework completion with threats, nicely asking, sending friendly reminders or asking for court intervention usually always fail but it keeps the child in the middle and the conflict going. Mom may be disorganized or unwilling to support the children at school.

Instead, the father should make contact with the teacher and begin to design a campaign between himself, the child and the teacher that supports the child’s success in school and with homework. The father may consider picking up a second set of assignments for his home, establishing positive rewards for the child to earn during school with the teacher during Mother’s week with the child, or establishing communication with the teacher during the Mother's week that helps the child remember to do the homework during the Mother’s week without ever needing the mother to support him.

High conflict child custody cases are defined as cases where one or both of the parents involved in the conflict cannot or will not let go of their “marital” relationship. The conflict disrupts the adjustment of the family after the breakup. Frequent intervention by the court system is necessary to protect the children. One or both of the parents experiences an adrenaline “rush” from the ongoing conflict so they attempt to maintain the conflict to avoid experiencing the deep loneliness, pain and fear that result when the relationship ends. The energy from the conflict keeps the person from being able to focus on the loneliness and fear of being alone.

Why can’t the high conflict couple stop fighting?

Let’s look at the two different definitions for cooperative coparenting relationships and the conflictual coparenting relationships we have just defined above. Cooperative coparenting occurs when 1) both of the parents believe that the other parent has the best interests of the children at heart as their primary focus. 2) Both parents believe that the other parent’s parenting style and opinions, though different from their own, are valuable, appropriate and worthy of respect. 3) Both parents are able and willing to agree on child sharing issues together, even if it takes them numerous discussions to reach a decision they can both support. 4) Both parents know when they reach an agreement, they will completely and respectfully support the decisions they have made together or both will allow the parent who is implementing the decision to move forward without interference. 5) Both parents know they will work together to implement their agreement, without badmouthing or undermining each other. 6) Both parents are able to put the children's needs above their own.

Congratulations if this description of cooperative coparenting defines you and your EX. You are probably able to “cooperatively” coparent your children with your EX after your breakup.

However, if the Coparenting definition doesn’t sound like you and your EX then you probably will find that you more closely fit the conflictual coparenting definition instead. The Conflictual coparenting criteria is described as, 1) at least one or both of the parents do not believe that the other parent has the best interests of the children at heart as their primary focus. 2) At least one or both of the parents believe that the other parent has fundamental character flaws or parental deficiencies that they cannot or will not change. 3) One or both of the parents believe that the other parent is unable and/or unwilling to reach child sharing agreements, no matter how many discussions or debates they have about the issues and the parent need the court's intervention to resolve these issues. 4) One or both of the parents disrespects and denigrate the other parent. 5) After the courts make orders, one or both of the parents cannot or will not follow the order. 6) One or both of the parents cannot work with the other parent because the one of the parents actively sabotages the decisions 6) One or both of the parents continues to blame, badmouth and undermine the other parent, often badmouthing the professionals who are ordered to assist the children and the parents.

Once you recognize that the basic beliefs you and your EX hold about each other are not in alignment, you can start to accept that you may not be able to cooperatively coparent with each other. Review the criteria for both coparenting styles. If you and your EX have been continually fighting and cannot seem to “cooperatively” coparent together, it is imperative that you learn to parallel parent instead. Read part 1 and 2 of the article called Mom's World-Dad's World or understanding parallel parenting.